boundaries

becoming a more particular person

Wolf Kahn, Seaweed Fingers

There’s a certain amount of chaos inherent in relationships. Perfect harmony is probably a sign that you don’t actually know each other very well. While it’s important to embrace the messiness of being human, it doesn’t mean we have an excuse to act chaotically toward others or accept bad behavior.

An often-repeated piece of advice in self-help literature is to establish clear boundaries. Knowing what types of behavior we’re not O.K. with allows us to stay true to ourselves, to maintain our physical, mental and emotional well-being, while loving another person in all of their flaws. Boundaries help us keep the chaos of relationships in check.

An example of chaos: trying to be someone’s “friend” after rejecting their request for a romantic relationship. With very rare exceptions, this is usually a bad idea. Anyone who has been rejected knows how easy it is to harbor false hope. Just like in grief, you spend a great deal of time being in denial and bargaining. You wonder: if they’re willing and even happy to spend time with you, might they actually have feelings that they’re avoiding?

You can’t reject someone and then spend time with them as if nothing has happened. Nothing in your life may have changed, but the other person’s whole world was just turned upside down. It’s also not O.K. to reject someone and then leave it up to them to decide if they still want to see you. It’s like telling a drug addict, you have to get over your addiction, but I’ll slip you some when you want. Rarely do we make the best decisions for ourselves when we’re in the throes of limerence. It takes superhuman willpower to walk away from a strong attachment. The most caring, respectful thing you can do after rejecting someone is to insist on taking time apart. This is a boundary that is much easier for the person doing the rejecting to maintain than the person being rejected. Even best friends need time apart to heal after a situation like this. They can’t just suddenly go back to how they were before. At least one person needs space to grieve the loss of what could’ve been.

One of my friends has suffered through this experience recently and another friend is perpetrating this emotional turbulence on a girl he rejected. He tells his friends he has zero respect for her, that he only hangs out with her because it makes him feel good about himself. He knows this is bad, but he keeps doing it, which is—kind of pathological? Exploiting someone’s feelings for an ego boost…

It’s so deeply, morally troubling to me that I’ve started to doubt the reality he’s presented. Come on, you must like something about her, I tell him, otherwise how could you spend all that time with her? But he’s adamant. And I’m at a loss for excuses.

I believe we should hold ourselves accountable to a higher standard of respect and care in relationships. I’ve written about this with regard to dating and breakups: what makes modern dating so awful, in my opinion, is that so many people are driven to act from a place of pure self-interest with zero regard for the other person’s experience. Kant advises us to treat people not as a means to an end but as beings with intrinsic worth and dignity. In other words, we should take other people’s desires and well-being into consideration and not just act for our own good. You don’t have to respect someone as an engineer or writer or musician or even a friend, but you should respect them as a human being.

It feels weird to say that honesty and respect are two things I value most in relationships because it seems so basic. It may be basic, but it’s not trivial. Most people can appreciate these values in the abstract, but when confronted with an actual situation that violates them, they’re not always sure how to respond, especially if they’re not the one directly impacted.

With my friends, I’m much more forgiving of chaotic behavior, and I think we should give our friends the benefit of the doubt and many chances to do right. But when someone’s behavior really gets under your skin, it’s important not to brush away that feeling because it’s telling you that something they’re doing clashes with a strong belief you hold about what it means to be “good.” And you should say something. But if they ignore your concerns, or more frustratingly, seem to understand but do nothing about it, that’s when you know it’s time to step away, to honor your boundary for your own sanity. You can persuade, but you can’t change someone’s behavior for them.

I’ve become a more particular person as I’ve gained clarity on what matters to me. Sometimes I worry that I’m not as nice or easy-going anymore, but I think that’s part of the process. We all start off as amorphous slabs of marble, and we chip away at it to find our “truest form.” I’m developing sharper edges, becoming less agreeable to some, but also embodying more of what I value.