etiquette
in defense of "ghosting"
She told herself that she owed him at least some kind of breakup message, that to ghost on him would be inappropriate, childish, and cruel. And, if she did try to ghost, who knew how long it would take him to get the hint? Maybe the messages would keep coming and coming; maybe they would never end.
— Kristen Roupenian, “Cat Person”
I’ve been very lucky or maybe it’s good karma: I’ve never ghosted anyone I’ve dated, and no one I’ve gone out with has ever ghosted me. My philosophy is that if you agree to go on even just one date, you’ve made it clear that you’re open to exploring a romantic connection with that person. For whatever reason, if you don’t want to see them again, you should tell them. Mutual ghosting is fine—wonderful, even—but if the other person continues to engage, you shouldn’t ignore them.
Ghosting in dating sucks, but in other contexts, not responding is a perfectly fine response. Maybe this is controversial, but I believe if it doesn’t feel authentic to engage with someone, and they haven’t made their intentions known, you have every right to “ghost” (air quotes because arguably, it’s not ghosting if there’s been no agreement, no statement of intention).
If you’re direct with someone you like, chances are, you will receive the gift of directness in return. The more clear you are about what you want, the more clear the other person can be in telling you if they can meet you there. I want to date you: super clear. I want to be platonic friends: also super clear. I want to be friends, and to me, that means hanging out at least once every other week: even more clear.
There’s nothing wrong with being oblique about your intentions. But if you’re oblique, you’ve set the tone for indirectness and should be prepared to take an indirect hint. If the other person isn’t responding to your texts, it means they don’t want to. Since you never made your intentions clear in the first place, they don’t owe you a response. Is this cruel? I don’t think so. The emotional burden isn’t on them to defend their inaction. It’s on you to tell them what you want and make an ask.
Almost a year ago, I went on a coffee date with a guy I really vibed with. Our conversation was effortless and full of intellectual connections. We had so much in common. I felt energized and was eager to see him again. A few days passed, I heard nothing. So I reached out and asked him about a play he went to see. I was indirectly showing interest in keeping the connection alive. His response was thoughtful, but there was no “let’s hang out again.” A week passed, he didn’t reach out, and I got the idea.
Imagine if I had continued texting him every week thereafter. At some point, his responses are going to grow lukewarm. He’s either going to tell me he doesn’t see it going anywhere or drop off. But we didn’t need to get to that point because I already got the message. And I have no hard feelings and still think fondly about our date.
What I’m saying is: a person’s inaction is just as telling as their actions. We don’t need to hit each other over the head with blunt honesty every time.
In East Asian cultures, the social norm is to be indirect. It’s polite and respectful, part of “saving face.” My friend Yuqi and I were talking about how if someone is trying to get our attention and we don’t want to engage, our parents’ advice would be to “tell them you’re busy.”
If you reach out to someone, and they don’t respond, you have two options:
Indirect route: take the hint and withdraw (let them set the pace for how often they want to talk to you—if someone cares, they will come around when they’re ready)
Direct route: tell them what you want and ask for clarity
Either option is great. What’s not O.K. is to continue messaging them as if everything’s fine.
Hey how’s your day?
What you up to now?
Still going on that trip?
This behavior is passive aggressive and socially gauche. You’re continuing to put yourself in their space without acknowledging—either directly or indirectly—the obvious, which is that they don’t want to engage with you.
It’s mind-boggling to me how some men—I’ve never had this experience with women, maybe because I’m a cishet woman or maybe because women are better at taking indirect cues—don’t make their intentions clear and have the arrogance to assume you want a relationship with them (friendship, romantic) simply because they enjoyed talking to you. They feel surprised and hurt when you don’t reciprocate, as if you owe them an explanation when they were the ones making assumptions in the first place. I think introverted, empathic women are particularly prone to receiving this kind of treatment from men.
Whether in a romantic or platonic context, just because someone was nice to you doesn’t mean they have the capacity to hold space for you. Just because you had a good conversation with someone doesn’t mean they want the same depth of relationship as you (or any relationship at all). It’s also very possible they didn’t find the conversation as stimulating as you did. Don’t make assumptions, and if you do, be prepared to take a hint.
The ending of Kristen Roupenian’s short story “Cat Person” still chills me. It’s a cringingly accurate portrayal of what could go wrong in modern dating, and it blew up the internet when it appeared in The New Yorker in December 2017.
“Hi Margot, I saw you out at the bar tonight. I know you said not to text you but I just wanted to say you looked really pretty. I hope you’re doing well!”
“I know I shouldnt say this but I really miss you”
“Hey maybe I don’t have the right to ask but I just wish youd tell me what it is I did
wrog”
“*wrong”
“I felt like we had a real connection did you not feel that way or . . .” “Maybe I was too old for u or maybe you liked someone else”
“Is that guy you were with tonight your boyfriend”
“???”
“Or is he just some guy you are fucking”
It goes on: a string of unanswered texts growing increasingly hostile. The irony of the story is that the outcome Margot was trying to avoid by not ghosting was precisely the thing that happened in the end.
This is obviously an extreme example, but the point is, even if you’re direct with someone, you never know how they’ll respond. I do think ghosting in dating is bad form, but it’s no surprise why it happens so often: there’s an implicit fear that simply stating, “I’m not interested” is not enough. The other person will want to know why (which you absolutely don’t owe them). They might get offended and say something mean. Sometimes, ghosting feels like the path of least resistance.
