I love drama—reading, watching, writing it. But I don’t care for drama in my personal life. If I had to guess, our peak “drama years” are between the ages of 12 and 25, basically from the onset of puberty to around the time when our prefrontal cortex fully develops. Of course, there’s no avoiding interpersonal conflict, but I like to think we get better at handling it. True drama in the sense of “a situation made more complicated or worse than it should be” lessens with maturity. And the easiest way to create drama at any age is by gossiping.
E and I were discussing the role of “third parties” in romantic relationships. Psychotherapist Stan Tatkin warns that the mismanagement of “thirds,” that is, anyone outside the relationship, can lead to one partner feeling betrayed. While this is true, E believes—and I agree—that even in the most intimate relationships, you still need other people you can turn to for emotional support.
If my partner does something that bothers me, I can confront him or I can take some time to process my feelings first, maybe with the help of a friend. That way, I’m not unloading on him while my anger is fresh. Not everyone can afford a therapist, and sometimes you just need a friend to provide a sounding board and help you figure out the best way to navigate the situation. Obviously, this must be done with care and respect. You can’t just badmouth your partner to anyone who will listen.
We need trusted thirds not just to be able to talk about the issues in our own lives, but to figure out what’s going on with our friends. For example (names are made up), you might ask Lauren, “Have you noticed Jack’s been kind of moody lately? Last Saturday, he was [behaving in such and such a way]. Do you know what’s up with him?” You can ask Jack directly, but you might not have the opportunity to do so in a way that feels natural. Sometimes the less awkward path is to ask a mutual friend who knows the person well, and if they have information they can share, you gain better context to approach the person later.
There’s nothing wrong with talking about someone when they’re not around. We are socially curious creatures, and discussing what’s going on in our friends’ lives helps us understand and care for each other better. But this only works if the people involved in the talking exercise discretion. Indiscriminate sharing turns into gossip, which breeds drama. If Lauren tells you what’s going on with Jack or engages in speculation with you, the underlying assumption is that she’s not going to go repeat your conversation to others, especially not to Jack.
Let’s say Lauren repeats what you said, either to Jack directly or through a telephone game that reaches him. The buck could stop with Jack if he were to think, ah, I see why they might wonder about that, and let it drop. But if he were to repeat what Lauren said back to you, then you might think, wait a minute, I wasn’t expecting her to go around talking about that. It throws you for a loop. You might wonder what else she’s been repeating to others. You might confront her about it. She might get upset at Jack for throwing her under the bus. A lack of discretion ignites a chain reaction of indiscretion and mistrust.
In any relationship, we are curating what’s important to share and what’s best left unsaid. Indiscriminate sharing is the surest way to wreak havoc on your most important relationships. I’m pretty good at keeping my mouth shut when someone tells me something about a mutual friend, even if it’s as harmless as “I think Jack might be stressed at work and having problems in his relationship.” I don’t want Jack to worry that his friend is talking about him. If repeating what I heard would make things awkward for two of my friends, I’m not going to do it. And I assume that other people are exercising the same discretion.
As a kid you’re warned all the time that so-and-so is a tattletale, so-and-so can’t be trusted to keep a secret. Kids have zero discretion. That’s why they pinky swear and vow to stick a needle in their eye. For a long time, I haven’t had to stop and consider whether a friend could be trusted not to talk. I trust my friends implicitly, but humans are fallible. Some people love gossip and can’t help themselves. Even the most tactful people might talk against their better judgment for many reasons: they want to share a laugh, they want attention, they want to appease others, they trust that the person they’re talking to won’t blab.
It’s easy for me to let down my guard around close friends and freely share what I think, feel, and observe. When these opinions and observations are about other people, I can get in trouble if what I say gets repeated. So while it’s important to exercise discretion in keeping a private conversation private, it’s also important to be careful about what you share in the first place. I find it humbling to be reminded of this, a thing I knew very well as a child.