honesty

sometimes i use it as a crutch

George Saru, In Search of a Mirror, 1995

I have a very vivid—and sometimes dark—imagination. It’s a double-edged sword because it allows me to write fiction, but it also makes me a bit paranoid. If someone I’m romantically involved with doesn’t text me back within a couple of hours, and they’re usually good about responding quickly, my mind starts putting them in all sorts of scenarios that would cause me pain. When they finally get back to me, I want them to be honest about what happened, as if their honesty could anchor my imagination. But this is a crutch. I need to learn how to anchor it myself.

This quote from Adam Phillips’ Monogamy rings very true:

If you’ve got nothing to hide you’ve got nowhere to go. Which is one of the reasons why couples sometimes want to be totally honest with each other.

Honesty is the bedrock of monogamy. It provides a sense of safety, of grounding. I used to expect 100% honesty from my partner, and truth by omission wasn’t honesty: I wanted to know everything. I didn’t want to be blindsided. It took me a while to see that this belief was rooted in my own insecurity. As someone who fears abandonment, I felt the need to protect myself, as if, like a bellwether, my partner’s honesty could warn me of what’s to come.

Surprise—the recognition of what one ‘never suspected’—is precisely what the paranoid seeks to eliminate.

— D.A. Miller, The Novel and the Police

Anxious/paranoid people don’t like to be surprised. Actually, I’d say anyone that’s ever been hurt from a bad surprise (e.g. being cheated on) wants to avoid it at all costs. When it comes to potentially jealous situations, I would rather know that something I don’t like is going to happen rather than to know that it already happened. But I can see how some people might prefer to know after the fact. It save you the upfront anxiety and anguish. It allows you to take the attitude of “what’s done is done” and just deal with the aftermath.

I ran a poll on Twitter to see how people feel about this.

While n=19 isn’t a large sample, I think this is a good indicator that I’m not alone in preferring to avoid a bad surprise. For me, it’s better to know in advance because there is more emotional safety. You can have an honest conversation with your partner. You can mentally prepare for it. And it says something about your partner: that they’re not trying to hide it from you, that they’re being honest.

My friend Pranab put it eloquently:

Pranab @nopranablem

@laine_writes I answered "before" Indicates thoughtfulness, courage, & good communication on their side. it's good to intentionally bring up uncomfortable emotions. Gives it more time to process and digest (eg they're going to see an ex at a party, or intentional getting lunch with them)

I think a good rule of thumb is that if something you’re planning to do is going to elicit strong or uncomfortable emotions in your gf/bf, it’s a good idea to communicate early. And that doesn’t mean asking for permission. It means having an open conversation about it.

Despite this preference for upfront transparency, I think it’s healthy to let go of the need to know everything. Every so often, I get flashes of anxiety where I think, if only I knew what was going on with so-and-so, I’d feel better. But even if I did know, my brain would find something new to worry about. Inner peace only comes from accepting what we can and can’t control. That’s more important than insisting on full transparency.

The older I get, the more I realize that you can’t know absolutely everything that’s going on with someone. Humans are infinitely complex. Some doubts and worries are fleeting. Some things are best left unsaid if saying them means creating needless complications. I say this with one big caveat: If something is going on in your life that’s impacting how you show up in the relationship, it’s important to share early. Even if you haven’t fully processed it yourself (e.g. “why do I feel this way?”), it’s important to bring your partner along on the journey because it impacts both of you.

Generally, I think it’s worth examining why we have the expectations we do of others. Often, it says more about ourselves than it does about them. My relationship with honesty has changed over the years. I still value it, of course. I still believe it’s one of the hallmarks of a good relationship, but I can see the ways in which I use it as a crutch. The person in me that insists on knowing everything that’s going on with someone is a very fearful and insecure person who’s constantly looking for reassurance, and if not, reassurance, then validation of her worst suspicions. I don’t want to be that person. I would much rather trust the people I love implicitly than to look for ways in which they might betray my trust. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I would rather be wrong about someone than to be paranoid.