rationalization

a few non-obvious things i've learned while dating

Victor Pasmore, Harmony of Opposites, 1986

Some people make lists of the characteristics they want in a partner. A lot of the standard dating industry advice will tell you to do this. But I think a strictly rational approach has many pitfalls. We all carry preconceived notions about the ideal partner. If we’re too attached to these notions, we might not see that what we’ve found is actually better than what we were searching for.

In this spirit, I’ve made a different kind of list: these are qualities or criteria that I’ve come to realize are either more or less important than I thought they were in my twenties. Of course, everyone is different. What matters less to me might matter a great deal to someone else. This is by no means exhaustive, and as with all lists, I fully expect to revise it in the future.

What matters more than I thought: 

Growth mindset

If I could pick one quality that’s the most important in a partner it’s this (resilience is a close second). Nothing else matters as much because everything derives from this. People who are capable of introspection and actively try to become a better person make better partners because they see relationships (and the people in them) as dynamic instead of stagnant. But the desire to grow has to come from within, and they have to be doing it for themselves, not for anyone else.

I think it starts with seeing yourself clearly. Many people have a distorted view of themselves. But even the people who do see themselves clearly might not be willing to change because change is uncomfortable. Sometimes it takes a devastating loss to force a change. I have tremendous respect for people who can turn grief and pain into opportunities to learn and grow. It’s so much easier to self-soothe and avoid facing hard truths, but that also means turning a blind eye to what’s possible and denying yourself a greater love and joy.

Energy

I once dated a guy who had a lot going for him. If I had to make a list of desirable traits, he’d check off pretty much all of them. By any standard, he was a great catch. But our energies were mismatched. I sensed an anxiousness from him, like he was afraid of losing me even before we’d gotten to know each other. I’m cool as a cucumber in the early stages of dating, but when I fall for someone I fall hard. So I thought: Let’s just give it some time. Once I fall for him, my enthusiasm will match his. 

As you can probably guess, we never got there. I think it’s easy to fall into the trap of future thinking. But if you can’t navigate the present together, you’ll never get to that future state, and in the present, we were stuck in a vicious cycle of pursuit and withdrawal.

Texting style

I used to think you shouldn’t fault someone for being a bad texter. After all, it’s just texting. Some people don’t text much or take forever to respond. I would make excuses for them like, they’re probably busy or they prefer in-person interactions to texting. But keeping in touch with someone when you’re not face-to-face is an important skill. The way we live now, it’s impossible to be physically together all the time. So if someone is bad at keeping even a light conversation going in between dates, that’s not good. And although it might feel petty to put so much stock in the way a person texts, it’s no less important than other kinds of communication.

What matters less:

Status

People say that women look for high-status mates. Apparently, there have been many studies on this. However, this has never been the case for me. I’m actually wary of dating guys with a lot of power, influence or wealth. I probably had an unconscious bias against high-status men because my thinking was, if they’re still on the apps, there must be something wrong with them. And deep down, I had this fear that a high-status guy had options and could leave me on a whim. Maybe these are legitimate concerns, maybe not, but they are limiting beliefs about men and about myself. So I’m trying to overcome this bias. Basically, status—high or low—shouldn’t matter. I believe it’s important not to rely on another person financially or socially. If your goal is to live a certain kind of lifestyle, you should try to achieve and sustain it on your own.

Social influence

A guy I knew had this belief that it’s impossible not to be influenced by your social circle when dating, as in, if I can’t see my friends vibing with this person, then I’m not going to find them very attractive, even if I like them a lot and know they would make a good partner. When I was in college and living with four other girls, I would’ve agreed with him. We shared everything about our personal lives with each other. But now, in my early thirties, with most of my friends married and living more than a train ride away, I find this belief very un-relatable. The thought that my friends might not get along with the person I’m dating has never occurred to me. When I thought about it, I realized I’m lucky to have friends who are wonderfully weird and non-judgmental. As long as the guy I’m dating is a good person who treats me well, my friends will like him. I think it speaks volumes about a person if he’s so beholden to the opinions of others that he can’t make up his own mind about what’s good for him.

Intellect

This is a hard one. I like talking to people who are intellectual and read philosophy and sociology, psychology and literary theory. But I also like people who play fantasy football and haven’t cracked open a novel since high school. Back in college, I used to think that the person I dated had to be as smart, if not smarter, than I was, but now I don’t really care. There are different types of intelligence, and I would much rather my partner be kind and grounded than highly intellectual. As long as we can have interesting conversations about something we both care about, even if it’s current events, movies, and pop culture. It’s not like my partner is the only person I’ll ever have conversations with. I have friends and belong to communities where I can satisfy my need for intellectual discourse. I’m a firm believer in not making your partner your “everything person,” and instead, having a network of relationships to nurture your interests and fulfill your various needs.