duality

the anxious and the avoidant in all of us

Hilma af Klint, The Swan (No. 17), 1914-1915

I didn’t have any attachment issues as a child. No major trauma growing up that I could recall. On paper, I look like someone who would be securely attached. It wasn’t until a year ago that I started to notice some strong, anxious attachment tendencies in myself.

Attachment theory, like most theories that try to explain human behavior and psychology, is far from perfect. It presupposes that people fit neatly into three buckets—anxious preoccupied, avoidant, and secure—when in reality, it’s probably more of a spectrum with secure in the middle. Avoidance can be further broken down into “dismissive avoidant,” which is essentially pure avoidance, and “fearful avoidant,” which is a combination of anxious and avoidant. The latter designation recognizes that you can’t really group people into neat buckets, that human behavior can be inconsistent, even contradictory. A person who fears losing her independence might also fear being abandoned. Both fears can coexist in the same person. This internal battle of opposing fears and desires is what makes us deeply complicated and interesting.

Certain aspects of personality can muddle one’s attachment style, making it hard to diagnose correctly. For example, an anxious-preoccupied introvert may appear avoidant if their anxiety is not outwardly expressed. On the flip side, an avoidant extrovert may appear secure or even anxious because they are constantly seeking companionship. And how do you know if someone is avoidant or if they’re just not that into you? Once, I had a hard time distinguishing this in myself. The guy I was dating said he wasn’t sure how I felt about him. He thought I was being a little avoidant. It’s true: I could have the biggest crush on someone, but they would never know because I keep my feelings bottled up. When I was younger, I used to run away from my crushes because I was too embarrassed/overwhelmed by my feelings. But with this guy, I wasn’t sure how I felt about him either. I was hanging in there, hoping that my feelings would grow. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes, they don’t. But it’s not because I’m avoidant.

Each attachment style has a core wound. The anxious preoccupied has a fear of abandonment, while the avoidant has a fear of intimacy or losing their independence. I’ve experienced a fear of abandonment in all of my past relationships, which is why I identify as more anxious than avoidant, even though I cherish my independence. The difference is I’m not afraid of losing it. Put another way, I feel very secure about maintaining my independence. Perhaps an avoidant doesn’t feel as secure about maintaining their independence, and so they are constantly trying to protect it, building walls around it, thus manifesting avoidant behavior.

Recently, I had a revelation that there is an anxious/avoidant inversion at a subconscious level. When I fall in love, I’m terrified by the possibility of losing that person. This fear is very present. So on the surface, I appear anxiously attached. But at a subconscious level, I desire independence, hence I’m attracted to people who give me space and allow me to feel free and unencumbered. Perhaps subconsciously, avoidants want intimacy, and so they tend to be attracted to anxious people who shower them with love. 

I did some digging and turns out—of course—others have written about this idea. Although it might not be backed by rigorous research, I do think the conscious vs. subconscious distinction is a more nuanced and useful way of understanding attachment styles. 

From the website freetoattach.com:

Avoidants often end up in relationships by accident, because they subconsciously want to be wanted. Feeling not good enough and fearing abandonment, avoidants often end the relationship out of fear, in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

From Alex Garver’s Medium post:

Consciously, avoidant people fear intimacy. They know from a lifetime of experience how they can be overwhelmed, manipulated, and drained in relationships. What they aren’t so in touch with is their fear of needing someone and being left.

credit: Alex Garver

I believe we all crave a certain amount of connection and a certain amount of independence. If we accept the premise that we value both, then attachment style is simply a reflection of what’s most legible to others. Becoming more secure is not a matter of “fixing” one’s attachment style, but rather, balancing the polarities of anxious and avoidant that exist inside all of us. And the way to do that is to tap into our subconscious desires. If I sense myself becoming more anxious, I need to get in touch with my subconscious desire for independence i.e. to focus on myself. (It’s also worthwhile to interrogate what it is about intimacy that I subconsciously fear.) By doing so, I give my avoidant partner the space he’s actively seeking, which allows him to get in touch with his subconscious need for intimacy, thus balancing out his avoidance. No one can be secure 100% of the time. The beauty of this approach is that you don’t need to fix your partner. You can’t fix your partner. Your best chance of balancing the yin and yang of avoidance and anxiousness in your relationship is to focus on achieving this harmony in yourself.

Thanks to chérie for prompting me to write this post. I’m open to suggestions on future topics. What’s on your mind? Drop a comment or email elainewrites@substack.com.

Come say hi: I’m hosting an informal “group therapy” virtual salon on Nov 7th with interintellect. It’s members only, but I highly recommend joining if you’re looking for a supportive community of smart, curious, and creative people.