passion

does it fade in every relationship?

Joan Snyder, Rose Garden, 2010

“I don’t feel the spark anymore.”

Probably some of the most dreaded words you can hear in a relationship. Like Frost said, nothing gold can stay. In the words of the band members of Daisy Jones and the Six: “We had our moment… It’s called ‘a moment’ for a reason.” 

My jadedness about relationships has deep roots in this fear. I can’t help but feel that no matter how promising the beginning is, inevitably, the novelty will wear off, the person will tire of me, the passion will fade, and the relationship will dissolve or transform into platonic friendship.

Every character in a novel has a guiding misbelief. Maybe this is mine. Friends say, you just haven’t met the right person yet, someone who won’t run away when things get real, someone whose commitment grows the more they get to know you. And I believe them. I believe this is true, that there are people out there who can love you without passion, who hold a light to your candle so there’s always a spark, but I’m also deeply—and I think, rightfully—wary of men and their fickle affections.

So, is it possible to sustain passion? Or is it, by definition, an unstable state of high energy, and therefore, unsustainable? What I call the “passion death wheel”: when A meets B, they go through a honeymoon phase where they experience strong attraction and infatuation. Everything about the other person is exciting. As they get to know each other better and emotional and physical intimacy grows, their attachment deepens, but the passion slowly fades until they feel so comfortable around their partner that they get bored and start to find fault with that person and wonder if there’s someone else out there that’s better.

I don’t think passion can sustain itself naturally. This is just one of those bittersweet, melancholic tones of life. Most couples don’t stay together because of enduring passion but because of attachment and comfort and familiarity and more practical reasons like children and joint ownership of property. I’m sure couples that claim to still feel passion for each other after however many years of being married have found ways to “hack” their relationship, e.g. spending time away from their partner without any contact to create a sense of longing and curiosity or introducing a new element into their lives to create a shared sense of novelty. The bottom line is: you have to see your partner in new ways, which can be really hard, especially the longer you’ve known them. 

There seems to be a milestone that couples cross before it becomes easier to stay together than to separate (assuming the foundations of the relationship are stable). For many people who are dating or even in a serious relationship and haven’t crossed that threshold yet, there is always the looming possibility that one or both people will lose interest because they’ve reached a stage where passion has run dry, and there isn’t enough attachment to sustain the relationship. And even if there is enough attachment, the relationship could still morph into a close friendship, devoid of romantic feelings.

We’re talking about sexual and romantic passion, but there’s also passion for work, passion for life. When I think about people who are passionate in their work/life, the words that come to mind are: curious, inspired, motivated, energetic, enthusiastic, optimistic, driven, self-motivated, ambitious. As you can see, there is a certain orientation toward the future. Passion is the desire to discover or achieve something. When it comes to romantic or sexual passion, there is a desire to discover another person physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Curiosity is the catalyst of all passion, including romantic/sexual passion. 

Unfortunately, in most relationships, the more you get to know someone, the less you think there is to discover about them. We know the facts about them, their thought patterns, and quirks, but people are fundamentally unknowable. They have depths that even they are not aware of, and we often take for granted that there’s nothing our partner can do to surprise us.

So I don’t think passion is spontaneous combustion so much as a mindset. It consists of an openness to surprise, an ability to find beauty in the mundane, an essential optimism, and relentless curiosity. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so too, is passion. When a person says they no longer feel a spark with you, it’s not because you’re any less attractive or less interesting. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their outlook and their attitude. Because commitment is an act of passion. Conviction is a passionate belief: you are right for me, and I’m right for you.