“Instead, we should ask, why is this relationship so important to me and what am I getting from it? If it’s enriching my life, I can be fine with the asymmetry.”
(Nothing below is meant to apply to you specifically, if I refer to “you” I just mean some third party. I’m just speaking generally on the topic of people/attachments)
This is setting off alarms for me. I would say that if you are asking yourself whether an asymmetric relationship is fulfilling/enriching then you are almost certainly not healthy/happy in it.
Behaviors are more important than thoughts, and sometimes the act of thinking is the behavior.
“Yeah he doesn’t seem interested in me, but he does have all these other traits I like, and I’m really interested in him. Am I really happy here?” If you even pose the question to yourself that’s a strong sign you might not be in a healthy relationship.
If you are more attached than they are, and you are okay with it, then you are letting someone have the power to disproportionately hurt you.
But why would you do that? Why would you give them that power? It makes for good literature but a bad life. The fact that you look to Beauvoir as an example supports that point.
We all want the more dramatic romance at a certain level. I believe one can want/crave/be drawn to an asymmetric enriching relationship but I think part of that enrichment is because of how it makes the subject feel being in such a relationship. Maybe being in a situation where one gets to stress/introspect on the relationship is the reward. Especially if it’s the default state for a person. But just because a person craves/is drawn to that state doesn’t make it healthy.
i see your point, though there can be enriching relationships where one person is getting more from the relationship (and investing more into it) than the other person. perhaps more common in platonic relationships. i do agree with you that there is danger in an asymmetrical *romantic* relationship.
"Is it fair to expect the important people in my life to invest equally in our relationship?"
Beauvoir makes an excellent point, and not one I gave much importance to. What we value from that relationship does, inevitably, determine the amount of effort we put in. The person who loves their partner more will always put in more effort. But that imbalance is what leads to heartbreak. And friend heartbreak is valid too. Both parties need to take a look at their relationship and what they owe the other. This is where boundaries and expectations need to be set. Otherwise, what little balance there is can be quickly toppled.
Another great piece Elaine, I'm really loving reading these!
The topic of reciprocity in relationships always brings to mind a certain stanza by W. H. Auden:
“How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.”
love that poem!
“Instead, we should ask, why is this relationship so important to me and what am I getting from it? If it’s enriching my life, I can be fine with the asymmetry.”
(Nothing below is meant to apply to you specifically, if I refer to “you” I just mean some third party. I’m just speaking generally on the topic of people/attachments)
This is setting off alarms for me. I would say that if you are asking yourself whether an asymmetric relationship is fulfilling/enriching then you are almost certainly not healthy/happy in it.
Behaviors are more important than thoughts, and sometimes the act of thinking is the behavior.
“Yeah he doesn’t seem interested in me, but he does have all these other traits I like, and I’m really interested in him. Am I really happy here?” If you even pose the question to yourself that’s a strong sign you might not be in a healthy relationship.
If you are more attached than they are, and you are okay with it, then you are letting someone have the power to disproportionately hurt you.
But why would you do that? Why would you give them that power? It makes for good literature but a bad life. The fact that you look to Beauvoir as an example supports that point.
We all want the more dramatic romance at a certain level. I believe one can want/crave/be drawn to an asymmetric enriching relationship but I think part of that enrichment is because of how it makes the subject feel being in such a relationship. Maybe being in a situation where one gets to stress/introspect on the relationship is the reward. Especially if it’s the default state for a person. But just because a person craves/is drawn to that state doesn’t make it healthy.
i see your point, though there can be enriching relationships where one person is getting more from the relationship (and investing more into it) than the other person. perhaps more common in platonic relationships. i do agree with you that there is danger in an asymmetrical *romantic* relationship.
"Is it fair to expect the important people in my life to invest equally in our relationship?"
Beauvoir makes an excellent point, and not one I gave much importance to. What we value from that relationship does, inevitably, determine the amount of effort we put in. The person who loves their partner more will always put in more effort. But that imbalance is what leads to heartbreak. And friend heartbreak is valid too. Both parties need to take a look at their relationship and what they owe the other. This is where boundaries and expectations need to be set. Otherwise, what little balance there is can be quickly toppled.
Another great piece Elaine, I'm really loving reading these!
boundaries, yes - so important. thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts <3